Piers Morgan is a journalist? Piers Morgan is a journalist.

I don't know if he is or he isn't.  A journalist.

I know he's got his own show on CNN, but some nights he's like the ongoing Ridiculist of Anderson Cooper's.

Some days I like Piers, and other times I just bristle at his mere existence on the telly.

I'm not one of those Anglos who get all hot and bothered hearing a British man speak my name. I've been to London many times, and plan to return in a few months. I am fully aware that they aren't so taken by our accent, so I do my best to keep my fascination with theirs under wraps.

My latest issue with Mr. Morgan is his treatment of my girl Chelsea Handler. I call her "my girl" because were it not for her book "Hello Vodka, it's Me Chelsea" I might have stopped drinking vodka altogether. I was beginning to worry that it wasn't natural to enjoy Greyhounds (the drink) alone anymore.

It's one thing to call oneself a slutty alcoholic -- which, to my recollection, Handler has done more sparingly of late -- but quite another for an older, tongue-wagging male Brit to come on one's show and insult the marachino cherry out of you.

I didn't like it, not one bit.

I had fantasized about winning a trip out to LA so I could see the taping this week, too. Now, watching the footage of her deriding him for having "mollester eyes" and hearing her say he could suck her ass when he offered to coach her on interviewing, it's a sight viewed best from afar. I'd hate to have been one of those live audience members laughing effusively at the lovely Handler while over-egoed Morgan took the credit.

I watched their interview from two years ago, just before he started with CNN. Then, he had a whiff of humility about him, Chandler seemed even taken by him, and I didn't watch the show wanting to vomit. The footage I watched from E! last night made me wish Handler could have spat not just insults his way but spit-balls.

Back to Morgan.

I'm happy he's taken a tough stance against the insane NRA and the semi-automatic weapons that are now more ubiquitous it seems than Mickey D's burgers. I've even supported him when he has called guests things like "idiots" because they were, even though I realize this is straddling the journalism line very loosely.

Where he fails, though, is when he constantly reverts attention back to himself. Handler doesn't do this. She is the Queen of Self-Deprecation, much like Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman, and that's why we love her.

Morgan can't seem to decide what he is: serious journalist or star-struck turbo-testosteroned twerp.

I'd never sign the petition to deport him, but then again, I've never been the victim of his "molester" once-overs.