Yes, I friended you but I don't like you; I defriended you because I do
Facebook-speak affords the latest twist on, "It's not me, it's you."
Yes, by now it's a cliché to say our "friends" on FB, for the most part, aren't really our friends. Yes, some of them are, but the rest are a mix of distant cousins, former employers you'd be persona non grata to unfriend, (if you're a writer) fans, cute guys in Italy you'd love to meet and the one marginal celebrity who's ever spoken to you (with the Friend request, undoubtedly, having been accepted by his publicist).
But what do we make of the volatility of Facebook friendships, the unending desire to defriend followed by, perhaps, the execution of that all-mighty button: "unfriend"? And if we are unfriended, what are we to infer if say, that individual still or chooses to follow us on Twitter or retains a Linkedin relationship? Don't even get me started about the other social networks; believe it or not, I still have a marginal life that does not include virtually anything virtual.
Here's how I see it:
1) You should unfriend anyone who... publicly insults you, ignores you (if you write on their wall and they respond to everybody but you), writes on your wall ad nauseum (they're obsessed), or reminds you of your ex. If it is your ex, that's fine, as long as you're sure you're over it (hint: if you are checking out photos of their new baby every day, chances are you're not over it and should unfriend);
2) Get a handle on what your own limitations are. For me, it was a sense that once I'd passed the 200 mark on Facebook it was enough. I'd be hard pressed to accept new friends at this stage, unless I'm replacing them for unfriends. My sense for this being a healthy demarcation is knowing how many comments I can reasonably respond to while eating dinner. God only know how I'd handle 2,000-plus friends like my buddy P. has, though I am sure he's blocking some of us from his stream;
3) Don't say too much on Facebook or too little on Twitter. People who are following you are doing it for a reason. On Facebook, though, they probably felt coerced into it when their mother reminded them how you helped them get through math in 3rd grade. Back to Twitter for a moment: if your thing is underwater horticulture, don't go rogue and start writing about the Republican party's chances for 2016, not unless you want a bunch of defectors;
4) Keep your friends close but your Facebook friends at a distance. I know this sounds mean, but there's a tendency to share too much online. If you just imagine that you're having casual banter with your virtual friends -- even if they are your real-life besties -- you'll keep yourself in check. No one wants to hear about your brush with death last night when you swallowed the peach pit whole. OK, your mom wants to hear about it, but you don't want to deal with her 39 comments on your wall telling you to give up your stressful job as a sidewalk fruit salesperson, do you?
5) If you have a falling out with a friend, try to remain connected on Linkedin. This has happened to me a few times. I don't like it when friendships end, but it seems to be a natural evolution in life; ebb and flow. I like to think that by at least remaining "linked in", he or she will see what they're missing in their lives when I've: a) won my Pulitzer; b) upgraded my status to Married; c) Obtained my PhD in Physics and d) bought the New York Times.
A girl can dream, can't she?
Now to go post this where everyone who is only marginally remaining my "friend" can find it ...
Yes, by now it's a cliché to say our "friends" on FB, for the most part, aren't really our friends. Yes, some of them are, but the rest are a mix of distant cousins, former employers you'd be persona non grata to unfriend, (if you're a writer) fans, cute guys in Italy you'd love to meet and the one marginal celebrity who's ever spoken to you (with the Friend request, undoubtedly, having been accepted by his publicist).
But what do we make of the volatility of Facebook friendships, the unending desire to defriend followed by, perhaps, the execution of that all-mighty button: "unfriend"? And if we are unfriended, what are we to infer if say, that individual still or chooses to follow us on Twitter or retains a Linkedin relationship? Don't even get me started about the other social networks; believe it or not, I still have a marginal life that does not include virtually anything virtual.
Here's how I see it:
1) You should unfriend anyone who... publicly insults you, ignores you (if you write on their wall and they respond to everybody but you), writes on your wall ad nauseum (they're obsessed), or reminds you of your ex. If it is your ex, that's fine, as long as you're sure you're over it (hint: if you are checking out photos of their new baby every day, chances are you're not over it and should unfriend);
2) Get a handle on what your own limitations are. For me, it was a sense that once I'd passed the 200 mark on Facebook it was enough. I'd be hard pressed to accept new friends at this stage, unless I'm replacing them for unfriends. My sense for this being a healthy demarcation is knowing how many comments I can reasonably respond to while eating dinner. God only know how I'd handle 2,000-plus friends like my buddy P. has, though I am sure he's blocking some of us from his stream;
3) Don't say too much on Facebook or too little on Twitter. People who are following you are doing it for a reason. On Facebook, though, they probably felt coerced into it when their mother reminded them how you helped them get through math in 3rd grade. Back to Twitter for a moment: if your thing is underwater horticulture, don't go rogue and start writing about the Republican party's chances for 2016, not unless you want a bunch of defectors;
4) Keep your friends close but your Facebook friends at a distance. I know this sounds mean, but there's a tendency to share too much online. If you just imagine that you're having casual banter with your virtual friends -- even if they are your real-life besties -- you'll keep yourself in check. No one wants to hear about your brush with death last night when you swallowed the peach pit whole. OK, your mom wants to hear about it, but you don't want to deal with her 39 comments on your wall telling you to give up your stressful job as a sidewalk fruit salesperson, do you?
5) If you have a falling out with a friend, try to remain connected on Linkedin. This has happened to me a few times. I don't like it when friendships end, but it seems to be a natural evolution in life; ebb and flow. I like to think that by at least remaining "linked in", he or she will see what they're missing in their lives when I've: a) won my Pulitzer; b) upgraded my status to Married; c) Obtained my PhD in Physics and d) bought the New York Times.
A girl can dream, can't she?
Now to go post this where everyone who is only marginally remaining my "friend" can find it ...
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