Government shutdown neophytes: Welcome to the world of the freelance journalist

"In this corner, we have a very large man with bulging biceps and fire spewing from his eyes! Yes, it's the U.S. Government!"

"And in this corner (crowd applauds wildly) the averagewoman, played today by the once fabulous editor, now struggling freelance writer who can't afford her rent, let alone a root canal or that trip to St. Martin she's been longing for!"

[cue: bell at boxing ring]

If you are a writer trying to wend your way through the maze that is the "government shutdown", you're a little like you've always been: unclear on where you'll next find food or whether food stamps will continue. In the event that you make, oh, $1,000 this month instead of your usual $552.32, will you be on a 'spend down' with Medicaid, who can't apparently understand that a contractor's income fluctuates wildly? And as with most things American, apparently the right for anything beyond basic medical is a luxury. Don't you dare dream of replacing that missing tooth!

If you are not a freelance writer, but are instead, say, a forest ranger, an EPA pesticide regulator or a restaurant food inspector, I feel for you. You are not used to wondering where your next check will come from, commiserating with folks at the Unemployment office or yelling at the TV whenever the names Boehner or Cruz crawl across the screen. I feel you.

So here's a primer; here's what you need to know:

1. America is not exceptional, but many Americans are. Sadly, though, the exceptional ones are not running the country.
2. A single payer system would make all of this stress a lot more palatable. Some Democrats aren't even sure if this is worth it. Give me back my Yosemite campsite! Give me back my food inspection! And when can my disabled cousin apply for Social Security, again?
3. Remember how many times you told we Humanities majors that your jobs were so much more practical? How's that again, Mr. Laid Off Environmental Engineer? (Sorry, that was mean. I promise to keep it positive.)
4. We have a serious problem with "homelessness" in America, but the bigger problem is the prejudice, lying, selfishness and narcissism that have created it. This writer spent one or two homeless nights, and in the process, learned that the nicest people in the world are those without homes. They would literally give you the shirts off their backs, while even most family members shut one another out. Should the government shutdown lead to your homelessness, be kind to one another.
5. President Obama could be doing more than he is. It's all well and good to blame this on the GOP and the Cruz-cicle, but as any fifth grader knows, it's the principal who's in charge of the school and not the two bickering classrooms.

So good luck. If you have a job but are furloughed, enjoy the time to catch up on "The Talk" and those back issues of In Style. Don't think you'll learn a darn thing about what's happening in this mess by watching the delightful Candy Crowley or Anderson Cooper push a mike up the GOP's face.

For, truth be told, we're at war: with ourselves. And any network that funds itself with Lipitor and BP revenue will never fully level with you. But I will...that is, if you'll make room for me on this park bench.