Top 10 Pet Peeves, Grammar Edition


Many niggling grammar mistakes, slang, acronyms and jargon rattle my cage. Here is a short summary:
1. Every day is two words when one means "every" as a determiner and "day" as a noun. Everyday is an adjective, as in "everyday occurrence". I just read a post from the World Health Organization, no less, in which everyday was used incorrectly! "Get 8 hours of sleep everyday!" (Cue nails on 20th century chalkboard.)
2. I am tired everyone "pivoting". When a boss first told me to pivot, I thought she meant do a little ballerina turn. Say "change your tack" or "try another way" etc.
3. A hundred percent. A joke of this is made beautifully in the opening scene between John Mayer's shallow character on the make and B.J. Novak's. Every question they pose over cocktails has one answer, "hundred percent." Please only use this if you are telling an eighth grader how well he did on his math test.
4. Acronyms. Unless it is IBM or USA, I probably do not have a clue. The most annoying use happens when a company spokesperson or CEO knows very well it's confusing the listener, but wants them to feel less than. Oh, we are such a smart company! That's why we have the AWDIT Club? Say what? "All we do is think!"
5. Awesome or amazing. Need I say more? Use istead: resplendent, colorful, shocking, delightful, tantalizing, illuminating, bewildering or memorable, depending on the context of course. Amazing or awesome is what NASA finds on MARS, not your Croque Monsieur.
6. Your instead of you're. Your is a possessive pronoun used when one says "your bike" or "your cheeks". When one is miserable, write "you are miserable". You (personal pronoun) plus are (linking verb).
7. Bragging about your doctorate. In the UK, we called our tutors (professors here) by their first names. If James, who has a PhD from Oxford, is so humble why are you bragging about your PhD in economics from Fresno State? You should be proud, of course, but we don't need to see "DrJones123" as your Twitter handle.
8. "Wherever you get your podcasts." Why do I have to get podcasts? No one says, "Wherever you buy or borrow your books."
9. Laughing at references from long ago. It is not funny that I'm telling you about a major story I broke 20 years ago, even if you were three at the time. Read a book, Gen Z: there were people who came before you.
10. Finally, their/they're. This is the same rule as your/you're. Their Persian ran after my Rottweiler. They're going to be in big trouble when I sick my Chihuahua on them."
Photo: the author's maternal grandmother Susie, a school teacher, who would be "mighty proud" (as she would have said) of her granddaughter for writing this.

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